dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
