Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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