She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
