drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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