dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize