I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
