I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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