In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize