I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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