I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just invented taco cereal.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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