This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Randomize
