he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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