A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
