where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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