I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
He kissed a someone with a penis
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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