shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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