So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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