Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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