all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
