Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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