you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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