If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
