so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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