I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
