I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
