I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
