best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
