You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
