My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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