I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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