I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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