Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
