we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
