So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
