I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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