sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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