it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
