i wish my penis had a tongue
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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