Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
