just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
