There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
