so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
