It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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