i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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