You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
