If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
