literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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