i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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