I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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