I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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