if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
