I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
