when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
