So drunk its hurt
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
