It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
