Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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