In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
