My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
