I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
40s are totally the cure
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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