Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
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